A couple of years ago in seventh grade, I noticed a poster in my computer teacher's classroom. It is the inspiration for this post and for all of my friendships that I have right now. I wanted to share with you how this poster changed my perspective on friendships and relationships in general. Who knows.... maybe it will help you!
The poster says, "Surround yourself with who you want to be." I don't think it really sunk in at first. It was just another motivational quote. But now, after having that teacher again this year and seeing the poster again, I see just how important living out that quote is. If you think about it, it really does make sense. If you want to be a musician, surround yourself with musicians. If you want to be an athlete, surround yourself with athletes. If you want to be a good Christian, surround yourself with good Christians. If we live up to this quote, we will have better relationships with others, as well as see ourselves grow. We have such a huge impact on the lives of those around us. Just one smile can change a life. If someone sees you being kind or generous, they will naturally feel compelled to do the same. If we want more people to live their lives totally for God, we need to give them that example and do it ourselves. But it goes the other way too. If you surround yourself with people who place popularity, clothing, or romantic relationships before everything else, you will gradually start to behave that way too. True friends build each other up and help each other to achieve their goals. When you have good Christian friends you can help each other get to the ultimate goal: Heaven.
I, thankfully, am blessed with some amazing friends both at church and in other areas of my life. I am so, so grateful for them and the impact they've had on my life. But I haven't always had such great friends. I, and so many other teens, have been in friendships that do not lead us on the path to sainthood. It is our responsibility as Christians to make sure that any relationship we are in is bearing good fruits. In Matthew 7:18, Jesus says, "A good tree cannot bear bad fruit, nor can a rotten tree bear good fruit." We can easily apply this to friendships. If a friendship is good, it will bear good fruits in your life and lead you closer to God. If it a rotten tree (friendship) it will not bear good fruit and will lead you into a more sinful lifestyle. If you recognize that one of your friendships is like a rotten tree, CUT IT DOWN! End that friendship and don't let yourself be trapped in a place that leads you away from Love.
Ending friendships can be extremely difficult. It can take months, even years, to distance yourself from a friend whom you were once very close to. But it will happen eventually. While you are trying to end this friendship, make sure that you pray for your friend! If they are engaging in sinful behaviors, make sure that you let them know that what they are doing is wrong, and continue to keep them accountable for their actions. Stay close to Christ and you will be just fine.
Most of the time when friendships go wrong it's because the people involved don't have the same goals. My goal as a Christian is always to know, love, and serve God in this life so that I can be happy with Him in the next. If my friends didn't share that same goal, the relationship almost always ended. Now, I won't put all the blame on my former friends. I have messed up and not been a good example plenty of times! But now, by experiencing true friendship with the friends that I have now, I see where I messed up before and I am given the example of how to be a better friend.
At a Steubenville conference that I attended last summer, Jackie Francois Angel gave a talk on friendship. She said that there are four types of friends. They are Virtuous friends, Enjoyable friends, Useful friends, and Toxic friends.
Virtuous friends are the best kind of friends to have. They are the friends that keep you accountable and lead you closer to becoming the saint that you are meant to be. Your relationship is used to glorify God.
Enjoyable friends are also great! They are the friends that you share common interests with. They are fun to be with because you like to do the same things.
Useful friends are those who you are friends with because it is convenient. For example, friends on a sports team, in a club, or at school. It is good to be friends with them because you can help each other through common problems and situations that you will face together on your team or in your club or class.
Toxic friends are those trees that bear rotten fruit. They have bad habits, lead sinful lifestyles, and are not good for your soul. They might talk about you behind your back, spread rumors about you, or even just be very confusing. These are sometimes the people who seem to be your best friend one day and then ignoring you the next for absolutely no reason at all. These are the friendships that you need to end.
I challenge you to make a chart of these four types of friends. Sort your friends into the categories and see who are truly your friends. You can also turn it around. What kind of friend are you to other people? Take the time to really think about it- don't just jump to conclusions. Once you've done this, think about how you can improve your friendships.
I've asked a few of my best friends in the entire world what they would tell other teens to look for in virtuous friends and how we, as teens, can help each other grow in our relationships with God. Here are the answers that I got.*
What would you look for in a virtuous friend?
Someone who will love you for who you are.
Someone who helps you through a hard time
Someone who offers prayers for your family and other people
Someone who is supportive
Someone who helps you grow in your faith
Someone who doesn't judge you if you make a mistake, they help you fix it
Someone who will make community service and other church activities fun
Someone who you have a lot in common with
Someone who has the same moral beliefs as you
Someone who is passionate about their faith
Someone who you can be yourself around
What advice would you give to teens so that they can help their friends grow in their relationships with God?
Talk about God... don't be afraid
Participate in Church events together
Pray for each other
Pray together -Show each other that you care about one another
Encourage each other to pray
Let them know how much they are loved
Go to Mass together
Attend Steubenville conferences (or other retreats) together
Encourage each other to go to Confession
Keep each other accountable
Friends are one way that we find who we really are. Spending time with people who can help you get to Heaven is very important and will change your life. Not sure where to start finding these types of people? I would start as close to Christ as possible. Church. Check and see if there's a youth group at your parish or a youth retreat that your diocese hosts. These are great places to find other people that share your beliefs and goals. And just remember: If there aren't any friends in your life right now who can lead you closer to Heaven, Jesus is the best friend that you could ever have :-)
*Huge shoutout to these amazing teens! Guys, if you're reading this, just know that you all are some of the greatest people I've ever known and you've had such a huge impact on my life. Keep eating goldfish and being awesome :-) I love you tons and thank you for being you <3
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